Television commercials used to advertise products you could just go and buy, like cars, cereal, and even aspirin. Now they advertise things you can't buy, at least not without a prescription. It's not just the ailments that exist that there are cures for on TV, but even new ones that no one has ever heard of (like restless leg syndrome). The drugs also come along with some wonderful side effects, here's a few new diseases and cures for what probably isn't ailing ya...
Condition - Rapid Blinking Syndrome (RBS)
Symptoms - Blinking lots and lots.
Cure - Mentaprazamore (Mentolium-Seculorum Tablets) 450mg
Commercial - "Are you tired of going to the movies, and having to watch it all over again, due to blinking too much? Does the opposite sex sometimes misinterpret your blinking as a come-on? Are you tired of seeing life like a stop action claymation movie? Maybe it's time to try Mentaprazamore.
Side effects - Mentaprazamore is not for everyone. If you regularly eat bread, or drink soda, it may not be for you. Other side effects include dry eyes, bleeding out the ears, inability to distinguish between yellow and black, making funny faces during serious moments, and "exploding eyes", a rare but possible occurrence.
Condition - Inappropriate Erection Disease (IED)
Symptoms - Getting erections when you shouldn't, like if your mom is kissing you.
Cure - Limpator (Flaccitorios Penisorous Geltabs) 69mgCommercial - "Remember being 13 and getting erections for no reason when you were riding the bus to school, or when you dozed off in math class, or when you we're looking at your dad's Playboy's? Ahh... those were the days. Unfortunately, as an adult, getting erections for little, no, or the wrong reasons can be embarrassing. That's why doctors have developed Limpator."
Side effects - Most side effects of this drug have been either mild or very, very severe, and include but may not be limited to anal leakage, excessive farting, blurting out curse words while sleeping, inability to sleep without constantly urinating, inability to urinate while eating, a increase in the desire to smack children across the face, and permanent loss of ability to get an erection.
Conditon - Spontanious Egg Laying (SEL)
Symptoms - Laying gigantic fucking ostrich-sized eggs out of your vagina.
Cure - Omletteron (Scrambelus Yolknorous Pills) 366mg
Commercial - "Do you remember the day before you started quiefing gigantic huge eggs out of your birth canal and right onto the floor, in front off all your colleagues and co-workers? Those care free days can be back again with Omletteron."
Side effects - Side effects can make your life a living hell, and include weeping a butter like substance, intense five to six hour long masturbation sessions involving egg beaters and big wire whisks, a need to sit on a chair made of sticks you find in the yard, rectal infatuation, colon enlightenment, and the ability to donkey punch a horse into submission after mating with it.
Condition - Thinking you're a prize winning show-dog. (Kennel Syndrome)
Symptoms - Thinking you're a prize winning show-dog.
Cure - Fidolitterol (Canine-Alponos Biscuits)
Commercial - "So, you think you're a prize winning show-dog you fucking idiot? Then it's time to get your master to take you to the doctor. Sorry, vet, and tell them about Fidolitterol. Your days of barking, sniffing asses, and eating your own feces will be confined to the bedroom once again."Side effects - Side effects are sure to include oral fecal expulsion (shitting out your mouth), drinking large quantities of vinegar and telling people that these martinis are "fucking sweet!", facing your innermost demons and coming out the experience a better person for it, watching hours of C-SPAN in the nude, dipping your elbows in poison Ivy extract, and seeing the future through the eyes of child. You may also experience a pain in your head that moments later will lead to an agonizing death.
If you think you have any of these diseases, or others that haven't been invented yet, just remember that a cure is on the way America!
Condition - Rapid Blinking Syndrome (RBS)
Symptoms - Blinking lots and lots.
Cure - Mentaprazamore (Mentolium-Seculorum Tablets) 450mg
Commercial - "Are you tired of going to the movies, and having to watch it all over again, due to blinking too much? Does the opposite sex sometimes misinterpret your blinking as a come-on? Are you tired of seeing life like a stop action claymation movie? Maybe it's time to try Mentaprazamore.
Side effects - Mentaprazamore is not for everyone. If you regularly eat bread, or drink soda, it may not be for you. Other side effects include dry eyes, bleeding out the ears, inability to distinguish between yellow and black, making funny faces during serious moments, and "exploding eyes", a rare but possible occurrence.
Condition - Inappropriate Erection Disease (IED)
Symptoms - Getting erections when you shouldn't, like if your mom is kissing you.
Cure - Limpator (Flaccitorios Penisorous Geltabs) 69mgCommercial - "Remember being 13 and getting erections for no reason when you were riding the bus to school, or when you dozed off in math class, or when you we're looking at your dad's Playboy's? Ahh... those were the days. Unfortunately, as an adult, getting erections for little, no, or the wrong reasons can be embarrassing. That's why doctors have developed Limpator."
Side effects - Most side effects of this drug have been either mild or very, very severe, and include but may not be limited to anal leakage, excessive farting, blurting out curse words while sleeping, inability to sleep without constantly urinating, inability to urinate while eating, a increase in the desire to smack children across the face, and permanent loss of ability to get an erection.
Conditon - Spontanious Egg Laying (SEL)
Symptoms - Laying gigantic fucking ostrich-sized eggs out of your vagina.
Cure - Omletteron (Scrambelus Yolknorous Pills) 366mg
Commercial - "Do you remember the day before you started quiefing gigantic huge eggs out of your birth canal and right onto the floor, in front off all your colleagues and co-workers? Those care free days can be back again with Omletteron."
Side effects - Side effects can make your life a living hell, and include weeping a butter like substance, intense five to six hour long masturbation sessions involving egg beaters and big wire whisks, a need to sit on a chair made of sticks you find in the yard, rectal infatuation, colon enlightenment, and the ability to donkey punch a horse into submission after mating with it.
Condition - Thinking you're a prize winning show-dog. (Kennel Syndrome)
Symptoms - Thinking you're a prize winning show-dog.
Cure - Fidolitterol (Canine-Alponos Biscuits)
Commercial - "So, you think you're a prize winning show-dog you fucking idiot? Then it's time to get your master to take you to the doctor. Sorry, vet, and tell them about Fidolitterol. Your days of barking, sniffing asses, and eating your own feces will be confined to the bedroom once again."Side effects - Side effects are sure to include oral fecal expulsion (shitting out your mouth), drinking large quantities of vinegar and telling people that these martinis are "fucking sweet!", facing your innermost demons and coming out the experience a better person for it, watching hours of C-SPAN in the nude, dipping your elbows in poison Ivy extract, and seeing the future through the eyes of child. You may also experience a pain in your head that moments later will lead to an agonizing death.
If you think you have any of these diseases, or others that haven't been invented yet, just remember that a cure is on the way America!
