There have been some great movies so far this year, but in the brain part of my skull, these are the movies I wish were coming out...
Madea Goes To Hell - Christmas Day, 2009
It's that ungrateful bastard Tyler Perry as Madea, and she's fucking dead, man. The movie opens as Madea is crushed by a seventeen foot platinum statue of Oprah as it was being hoisted to the top of the planet's first "World Temple Of Oprahness." Moments later, Madea is whisked off to exotic Hades! Turns out God doesn't like that people worship Oprah, and no amount of Madea's black sass is gonna get her out of this one!
Cast - Tyler Perry as Madea
Robin Williams as Satan
Bob Saget as Ronald Regan
Wesley Snipes as The Crocodile Hunter
Heidi Klum as Jim Belushi's Career
Star Jones as A Big Fat Dead Bitch
Stephen Hawking as Michael J. Fox
The Guy Who Played Mr. Belvedere as The Guy Who Played Mr. Drummond
and... William Shatner as God
He's Just Not That Far Inside Of You - January 1st, 2010
A wonderful ensemble cast of actresses with, shall we say "large volume" vaginas and smaller endowed actors cum together in this two hour long shit feast that's all about a problem that occurs mostly between Asian men and near-elderly prostitutes - throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Written and directed by Ellen Degenerate (clearly a pen name.)
Cast - Sarah Jessica Parker as Jew Bitch With A Wide Set Vagina
Ben Affleck as Guy Who Got Raped In Prison But Wants Chicks Again
Megan Fox as The Chick Who Queefs A Lot
Kanye West as All The Queefs
Michael Vick as Kanye West
The Original Broadway Cast of "Cats" as Elizabeth Hasselbeck's Vagina
Blue Man Group as Talking Fallopian Tubes During A Double Abortion
Clint Eastwood as A Guy Who Never Asks Before Attempting Anal
The Asian Guy From "Heroes" as Lonely Asian Guy
Mariah Carey as Hot Mulatto Girl With Unrealistic Standards
Michael J. Fox as A Gigantic Vibrator
William Shatner as God
Race To Bitch Mountain - February 13, 2010
Those fucking shrews from The View are trapped on top of a mountain... and only Christina Ricci's forehead can save them! But to get there, she'll have to listen to Lisa Lampanelli make racist remarks for nearly an hour while simultaneously reading To Kill A Mockingbird in a Kermit The Frog voice as everyone who came in 2nd place on American Idol tries to rape them.
Cast - The View "Hostesses" as Those Fucking Shrews Trapped On Top Of A Mountain
George Washington's Forehead On Mount Rushmore as Christina Ricci's Forehead
Christina Ricci as Super Spy Daisy Flacula
Lisa Lampanelli as An Obnoxious Asshole
Paul Abdul as Ryan Seacrest
Bill O'Reilly as Himself (The World's Biggest Douchebag)
Production Note - If you don't want to wait for the DVD commentary to find out how they got all that used douche to fill up Bill O'Reilly, we'll tell you now! It wasn't special effects! They actually got the guys from MTV's "Tool Academy" to docuhe each other's assholes for goddamn near two weeks, and then just pumped all those secretions into, like, a gasoline truck, and... and then Bill O'Reilly swallowed it all. You can see him slowly spew it all out each night on FoX Noise.
TransFarmers 2 - Valentine's Day, 2010
By day? Simple Nebraska wheat farmers. By night? Transsexual prostitutes who really know the meaning of "ho." But the Vice-Treasurer of the local PTA has found out that his best farming buddy is also his late-night girlfriend! And wait till mother-in-law comes to town! It's one big laugh riot. You will be TRANSformed!
Cast - Forrest Whitaker as The Ugliest Son-Of-A-Bitch To Ever Walk The Earth
- Dog The Bounty Hunter as A Really Cute Transsexual Version Of Ann Coulter
- Vince Offer (the ShamWOW guy) as The Mother In Law
- Billy Mays as A Dead, Coked Up, Transsexual Loving John Deer Salesman
- Ray Ramano as Confused Young Adult #1
- Football Legend Dan Marino as Slop House Attendant
and Tom Hanks as The Biggest Shit Michael Clark Duncan Ever Took
Let's just all calm down and remember these are just jokes. Except the thing about Bill O'Reilly and the douche. That's for true.
