Vestigial Mind

I Know You Will Do A Cheerleader Movie This Winter

2009-09-23T19:18:00.006-04:00

There have been some great movies so far this year, but in the brain part of my skull, these are the movies I wish were coming out...

Madea Goes To Hell - Christmas Day, 2009

It's that ungrateful bastard Tyler Perry as Madea, and she's fucking dead, man. The movie opens as Madea is crushed by a seventeen foot platinum statue of Oprah as it was being hoisted to the top of the planet's first "World Temple Of Oprahness." Moments later, Madea is whisked off to exotic Hades! Turns out God doesn't like that people worship Oprah, and no amount of Madea's black sass is gonna get her out of this one!

Cast - Tyler Perry as Madea

Robin Williams as Satan

Bob Saget as Ronald Regan

Wesley Snipes as The Crocodile Hunter

Heidi Klum as Jim Belushi's Career

Star Jones as A Big Fat Dead Bitch

Stephen Hawking as Michael J. Fox

The Guy Who Played Mr. Belvedere as The Guy Who Played Mr. Drummond

and... William Shatner as God

He's Just Not That Far Inside Of You - January 1st, 2010

A wonderful ensemble cast of actresses with, shall we say "large volume" vaginas and smaller endowed actors cum together in this two hour long shit feast that's all about a problem that occurs mostly between Asian men and near-elderly prostitutes - throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Written and directed by Ellen Degenerate (clearly a pen name.)

Cast - Sarah Jessica Parker as Jew Bitch With A Wide Set Vagina

Ben Affleck as Guy Who Got Raped In Prison But Wants Chicks Again

Megan Fox as The Chick Who Queefs A Lot

Kanye West as All The Queefs

Michael Vick as Kanye West

The Original Broadway Cast of "Cats" as Elizabeth Hasselbeck's Vagina

Blue Man Group as Talking Fallopian Tubes During A Double Abortion

Clint Eastwood as A Guy Who Never Asks Before Attempting Anal

The Asian Guy From "Heroes" as Lonely Asian Guy

Mariah Carey as Hot Mulatto Girl With Unrealistic Standards

Michael J. Fox as A Gigantic Vibrator

William Shatner as God

Race To Bitch Mountain - February 13, 2010

Those fucking shrews from The View are trapped on top of a mountain... and only Christina Ricci's forehead can save them! But to get there, she'll have to listen to Lisa Lampanelli make racist remarks for nearly an hour while simultaneously reading To Kill A Mockingbird in a Kermit The Frog voice as everyone who came in 2nd place on American Idol tries to rape them.

Cast - The View "Hostesses" as Those Fucking Shrews Trapped On Top Of A Mountain

George Washington's Forehead On Mount Rushmore as Christina Ricci's Forehead

Christina Ricci as Super Spy Daisy Flacula

Lisa Lampanelli as An Obnoxious Asshole

Paul Abdul as Ryan Seacrest

Bill O'Reilly as Himself (The World's Biggest Douchebag)

Production Note - If you don't want to wait for the DVD commentary to find out how they got all that used douche to fill up Bill O'Reilly, we'll tell you now! It wasn't special effects! They actually got the guys from MTV's "Tool Academy" to docuhe each other's assholes for goddamn near two weeks, and then just pumped all those secretions into, like, a gasoline truck, and... and then Bill O'Reilly swallowed it all. You can see him slowly spew it all out each night on FoX Noise.

TransFarmers 2 - Valentine's Day, 2010

By day? Simple Nebraska wheat farmers. By night? Transsexual prostitutes who really know the meaning of "ho." But the Vice-Treasurer of the local PTA has found out that his best farming buddy is also his late-night girlfriend! And wait till mother-in-law comes to town! It's one big laugh riot. You will be TRANSformed!

Cast - Forrest Whitaker as The Ugliest Son-Of-A-Bitch To Ever Walk The Earth

- Dog The Bounty Hunter as A Really Cute Transsexual Version Of Ann Coulter

- Vince Offer (the ShamWOW guy) as The Mother In Law

- Billy Mays as A Dead, Coked Up, Transsexual Loving John Deer Salesman

- Ray Ramano as Confused Young Adult #1

- Football Legend Dan Marino as Slop House Attendant

and Tom Hanks as The Biggest Shit Michael Clark Duncan Ever Took

Let's just all calm down and remember these are just jokes. Except the thing about Bill O'Reilly and the douche. That's for true.

The First Last Final Destination

2009-09-22T19:10:00.003-04:00

Here's a few things I've been thinking about. I know that's what a blog is... asshole.

There is no such thing as a "1st Annual" anything.
By definition, something isn't "annual" unless it happens every year. You can't have the First Annual Diabetes Bake Sale, but you can have the Inaugural Kanye West Ball Stomping Extravaganza. Let me just add, however, that if you do have an event that involves stomping Kanye West's testicles, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD have it at least once a year.

I really think everyone should stop saying that someone was "horrifically mutilated." I think that just saying they've been mutilated should suffice. Have you ever seen a sexy mutilation? If the name "Elizabeth Hasselbeck" came to mind as an actual response to that question, go ahead and give yourself a cookie.

Let's give it up for Neil Patrick Harris for a great job hosting the Emmy's, and to the sexiest Jew on the planet, Sarah Silverman, for showing everyone why she should have won the Emmy.

Ladies, please don't wear Guess? brand jeans unless you're actually willing to hear my guess. Most of the time, my answer is going to involve me mentioning rhinos, but keep in mind you're the one letting your ass cheek ask the questions.

Paula Abdul somehow got the balls to release a Greatest Hits album. To bad it was already released in 1988 under the less ridiculous title of Forever Your Girl.

Can we please just knock it the fuck off with the Final Destination movies? The increasingly inaccurately titled first installment Final Destination had the tag line: "You can't cheat Death." The sequel, Final Destination 2 (in AND OF ITSELF an impossibility) had the tag line: "You can't cheat Death... twice." Well, the joke's on us! Apparently you can cheat death four times at the very least! And in 3-D! The only way this web of shit could be any more tangled would be if they had done us all a favor and named the original film The 1st Annual Final Destination.

Blogtourage

2009-09-17T19:20:00.003-04:00

I love the tv show Entourage. I don't think elaborating on that point will further our discourse today, but it does serve as a nice jumping off point for a little word creation exercise from yours truly. We all know what the word "entourage" means, but here's are some new words and definitions you should add to your vocabulary immediately...

Nontourage - a group of losers who are following around another loser who is just slightly less loserish than they are. (aka The Unfuckables)

Contourage - guys who go out to bars and lie to chicks about what they do for a living and how much money they have. This also works at high school reunions.

Palmtourage - dudes who hang out together and talk about the video games they play that control their lives and how much they enjoy wanking to digitally altered images of Lara Croft.

Bon-bontourage - a group of fat middle aged women who walk around the mall eating Aunt Annies pretzels and discuss what methods they use to sneak Cialis into their husbands' food supplies.

Flantourage - same thing as the bon-bontourage, except they're Hispanic.

Brawntourage - the assholes who leave the gym and go to the goddamn grocery store in spandex and drink weight gainer shakes. I hate these guys.

Dontourage - older Italian men who dress like they were placed in a cannon and shot through the wardrobe department from Goodfellas. They will pepper their speech with the few Italian curse words they know, and will require surgery if they ever want to remove their gold chains from their unwashed chest hair.

Gonetourage - a group of girls who leave their annoying drunk girlfriend behind in the bathroom throwing up 'cause they're sick of cleaning up her... sick.

Hongkongtourage - the pack of Asian guys that always surround their Asian girlfriends at clubs, thereby preventing them from talking to other non-Asian guys who might show them their Caucasian genitalia.

Juantourage - just like the Hongkongtourage, but hispanic.

Lawntourage - one has the leaf blower, the other one is on the John Deere, and the other two are taking a three hour lunch break. After dark, they become Juantourage.

Spawntourage - any sized bunch of guys exiting a sperm donation center.

Wantourage - any group of people who go window shopping.

Prawntourage - people who go out seeking to eat the most disgusting food they can legally serve because they think it makes them cool.

Blondetourage - a bunch of stupid blond bitches who go out into the world, and giggle... constantly.

Blogtourage - the greatest people in the world, my loyal readers. You guys rock!

Listening to - "Noise From The Basement" - Skye Sweetnam

Imaginary Industrial Complex

2009-09-16T20:58:00.003-04:00

Television commercials used to advertise products you could just go and buy, like cars, cereal, and even aspirin. Now they advertise things you can't buy, at least not without a prescription. It's not just the ailments that exist that there are cures for on TV, but even new ones that no one has ever heard of (like restless leg syndrome). The drugs also come along with some wonderful side effects, here's a few new diseases and cures for what probably isn't ailing ya...

Condition - Rapid Blinking Syndrome (RBS)
Symptoms - Blinking lots and lots.
Cure - Mentaprazamore (Mentolium-Seculorum Tablets) 450mg
Commercial - "Are you tired of going to the movies, and having to watch it all over again, due to blinking too much? Does the opposite sex sometimes misinterpret your blinking as a come-on? Are you tired of seeing life like a stop action claymation movie? Maybe it's time to try Mentaprazamore.
Side effects - Mentaprazamore is not for everyone. If you regularly eat bread, or drink soda, it may not be for you. Other side effects include dry eyes, bleeding out the ears, inability to distinguish between yellow and black, making funny faces during serious moments, and "exploding eyes", a rare but possible occurrence.

Condition - Inappropriate Erection Disease (IED)
Symptoms - Getting erections when you shouldn't, like if your mom is kissing you.
Cure - Limpator (Flaccitorios Penisorous Geltabs) 69mgCommercial - "Remember being 13 and getting erections for no reason when you were riding the bus to school, or when you dozed off in math class, or when you we're looking at your dad's Playboy's? Ahh... those were the days. Unfortunately, as an adult, getting erections for little, no, or the wrong reasons can be embarrassing. That's why doctors have developed Limpator."
Side effects - Most side effects of this drug have been either mild or very, very severe, and include but may not be limited to anal leakage, excessive farting, blurting out curse words while sleeping, inability to sleep without constantly urinating, inability to urinate while eating, a increase in the desire to smack children across the face, and permanent loss of ability to get an erection.

Conditon - Spontanious Egg Laying (SEL)
Symptoms - Laying gigantic fucking ostrich-sized eggs out of your vagina.
Cure - Omletteron (Scrambelus Yolknorous Pills) 366mg
Commercial - "Do you remember the day before you started quiefing gigantic huge eggs out of your birth canal and right onto the floor, in front off all your colleagues and co-workers? Those care free days can be back again with Omletteron."
Side effects - Side effects can make your life a living hell, and include weeping a butter like substance, intense five to six hour long masturbation sessions involving egg beaters and big wire whisks, a need to sit on a chair made of sticks you find in the yard, rectal infatuation, colon enlightenment, and the ability to donkey punch a horse into submission after mating with it.

Condition - Thinking you're a prize winning show-dog. (Kennel Syndrome)
Symptoms - Thinking you're a prize winning show-dog.
Cure - Fidolitterol (Canine-Alponos Biscuits)
Commercial - "So, you think you're a prize winning show-dog you fucking idiot? Then it's time to get your master to take you to the doctor. Sorry, vet, and tell them about Fidolitterol. Your days of barking, sniffing asses, and eating your own feces will be confined to the bedroom once again."Side effects - Side effects are sure to include oral fecal expulsion (shitting out your mouth), drinking large quantities of vinegar and telling people that these martinis are "fucking sweet!", facing your innermost demons and coming out the experience a better person for it, watching hours of C-SPAN in the nude, dipping your elbows in poison Ivy extract, and seeing the future through the eyes of child. You may also experience a pain in your head that moments later will lead to an agonizing death.

If you think you have any of these diseases, or others that haven't been invented yet, just remember that a cure is on the way America!

2009-09-13T21:55:00.008-04:00

SCAVENGER HUNT

Do it... or else.

I thought it might be nice to start our little adventure together with a simple and enjoyable scavenger hunt! I know... the first blog should be like some sort of intoduction to what this blog will be about, but I thought this might just be a bit more fun. PLUS - you could win a fabulous prize* (We'll get to the purpose of the blog next time, I promise.)

1. A mattress that is not on sale.

2. Tapioca puddding that doesn't resemble puked up rice.

3. The asshole who invented Matthew McConaughey.

4. A gay couple who have been legally married, legally divorced, and illegally married again.

5. Someone who does, in fact, know the way to San Jose.

6. Two snowflakes that look like fingerprints.

7. A girl who bravely puts up with her back problems instead of getting a breast reduction.

8. Three people who don't know each other, but goddamnit, they want to.

9. A way to order a pina colada that doesn't make you feel like a pussy.

10. The one spot on a woman that will make her bark like a dog. No, not that part, the other one.

11. A place you feel spiratually alive without being morally bankrupt.

12. Children that can make a day of screaming seem palatable.

13. The number of times I've said something bad about Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

14. Bill O'Reilly's penis.

15. What time the fat lady's gonna sing.

16. Someone who wouldn't want to see a whale fuck the shit out of a dolphin.

17. This really cool Swatch I lost in 8th grade.

18. One fucking minute of the day that Ann Coulter isn't a total asshole.

19. A way so that when I shave my balls they don't stick to my thigh when it's sweaty weather out.

20. Someone else who's doing this scavenger hunt.

*The fabulous prize is an all expense paid (by you) dinner with me! Sex will cost extra, except for this one chick... you know who you are.

Reading - "My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler

Listening to - "Coco" - Colbie Caillat